Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
