The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
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