At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
