so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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