oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
