I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
