he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
