You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
