Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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