Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
