you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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