theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
