Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Randomize
