My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
