Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
