We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
