i love accidental penises.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
