I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
