I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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