She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
