there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
