Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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