I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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