Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
