Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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