When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
