All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
