Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
