I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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