My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
