new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
