So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
