Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize