I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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