Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize