i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
