This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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