i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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