Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
