mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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