I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
