Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize