This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
