so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
