Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
