Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
