I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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