Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
