Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
