That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
