you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
