I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
