My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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