I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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