I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize