Did I show you my penis last night?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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