I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
