I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
