Where is the hickey?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
