i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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