Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
