Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
