I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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