One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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