It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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