so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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