I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
