I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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