Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
