He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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